Bonnet Bots Satire News Service, 8th March 2022
Today, more bad news came in for the sanction-ridden population of Eastern Europe. Or at least about half of them, who are female. “Why should we allow women from that country to celebrate a festival when they deserve sanctions everywhere else including sports?” questioned Sev D’maine, a leading Masculinist*, and current Chief of the World Body for Atrocities Against Men (Prevention) i.e. W-BAAM (P), an esteemed organization which falls just outside the ambit of the prestigious United Nations Group of Organisations. The Bonnet Bots decided to speak to him about his statement regarding one more of the sanctions against Putin’s ‘Military Operation’ in Ukraine.
*Masculinist: (noun ), singular [mas-cu-lee-nist]. Just like a Feminist, but just the opposite.
Source: BonnetBots.com
“Wouldn’t it be irrelevant to ban the ordinary Russian female population from something as universal as the Women’s Day?” asked the Blue Bonnet Bot during the interview. “First of all, there is no ‘ordinary’ female population. We should insist that all women are ‘extraordinary’. At least on Women’s day,” Sev D’maine stated angrily and righteously. He continued, “But if the Russian Paralympic team can be banned from Winter Olympics, what right do you have to question me about banning ordinary, I mean from banning Russian women who are fully healthy? They should not be allowed to play the victim card. Even Paralympic athletes have proved they can climb Mount Everest, so ordinary women have no excuse against being banned by our organization” he stated.
Image showing one of the many Russian women at the risk of being banned from celebrating International Women’s Day 2022, due to W-BAAM (P) sanctions “But surely there are better ways to show your protests, than targeting someone just because of their gender and political leaders” argued the Blue Bonnet Bot. “Zelensky is asking for more sanctions though we have already banned everything other than Russian oil and gas. So we have to do at least something else to show solidarity,” he stated out of concern. “But if energy accounts for a large part of Russia’s exports, why can’t the west sanction oil and gas, if they can ban everything from Apple products, Visa, and Mastercard?” asked the Bot.
“Well, we are sanctioning them from a position of strength, so it is important to show that we are independent and don’t need them. So we can only sanction stuff where we REALLY don’t need them, else the Russian state media will get one more chance to show us in a bad light,” said Sev.
“But Russian state media has already been banned everywhere, so what’s the point of thinking about them?” questioned the bot. “That’s not true, I have very credible information stating that the Russian state media continues to operate unabatedly in entire Russia,” he stated, sighting highly reliable sources.
“Anyway, what do you think of Russian assets being frozen by the western world?” asked the Yellow Bonnet Bot. “I don’t understand economic terms very well, but Freezing of Russian assets seems harmful to almost every business in Russia I guess, except maybe the Frozen Foods business…won’t they be actually benefitted if someone freezes their assets for free?” asked a concerned Sev. He continued, “We have credible intelligence that in spite of their airspace issues, Russian billionaires could surreptitiously access their luxury yachts parked all over Europe and North America. It is refreshing to know that most of these Russians (at least those who identify as ‘Oligarchs’) now cannot just come and ride these yachts, even if they somehow overcame their visa bans. This is testimony to our powerful sanctions”, he concluded.
The Bonnet Bots speaking to Sev D’maine, Masculinist & The Bonnet Bots decided to check these claims by speaking to some politicians who had called for these sanctions. “Do you think the Russian oligarchs have been taught a lesson?” asked the Yellow Bonnet Bot during one such meeting. “Absolutely. Russian oligarchs and their families’ visas have been canceled, so they can’t vacation any longer in Western Europe and the US. Not as if they would want to do it RIGHT now, but when the press asks questions about whether we have acted, we have got some solid answers,” claimed a local politician. “Do you think this would help Ukraine’s fight?” questioned the Blue Bonnet Bot. “Yes, they can definitely fight better knowing that entire Europe and North America are standing right behind them for moral support, instead of meddling in their country’s war and escalating it,” he stated.
The Bonnet Bots returned to discuss the issue with the World Body on Atrocities Against Men (Prevention), to get remaining answers.
“Why did the World Body for Atrocities Against Men recently add the word ‘Prevention’ written in brackets at the end of its name?” asked the Yellow Bonnet Bot. “We had to add that because, without it, we were fed up of confused women requesting help in teaching a lesson to their husbands” Sev D’maine revealed.
“Anyway, given that common citizens may not support the war, aren’t you taking the anti-Russian sentiment to the extreme, by discriminating against its women?” asked the Yellow Bot.
“Many have called us ‘partial’ because they think that we discriminate against women of color. The only way to prove them wrong is by equally discriminating against women with blonde hair and blue eyes”
–Sev D’Men , Masculinist & At the time of going to press, the boycott on Russian Women for the International Womens’ Day celebrations had been widely propagated on Facebook and Twitter. However, due to these two networks being banned in Russia, this important news failed to reach the Russians. Putin’s administration allegedly skipped this information from the State controlled Russian Television on purpose, due to which, the uninformed Russians mistakenly ended up including Russian women in the Womens’ Day celebrations in spite of the ban sanctioned against them.
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Image Credits: Cover Photo by Elevate on Unsplash ; Photo for ‘Russian woman’ by Ivan Samkov Pexels
Bonnet Bots Unbelievably Untrue News Service
The Bonnet Bots interviewed some people in a local locality to investigate a report about a man moving around town to enforce his own Covid-19 hygiene for the pandemic. Several adults too were reportedly targeted in attacks where he ‘pulled up’ the masks sitting on people’s chins to ensure that even their noses were covered.
“Yes, I was on a walk to ensure that my $400 shoes do not get spoilt due to non-use, when I sensed someone running towards me. I was having my mask down on my chin for a smoke, and this man suddenly came near and pulled it up from my chin, over my mouth and nose. I now have a cigarette hole in my favorite mask”, said a casual walker while sadly narrating his shocking experience to the Bonnet Bots.
“But we have heard he mainly targets kids who don’t have masks at all…isn’t that right?” asked the Yellow Bonnet Bot. “That’s right” he confirmed.
“He lures innocent young children with tangy snacks, and by the time they have finished the last piece, they already have a blue surgical mask on their faces. Specifically covering the nose as well”
-Casual Walker and Victim of the Covid-19 Vigilante People trying out different ways to avoid the Mask Vigilante’s attacks People are trying various ways to avoid being targeted by him, but he is still at large. A woman victim too was interviewed by the Yellow Bonnet Bot. “Yes it is true that he targets people with tasty food, in fact, food that is a bit sweeter than it should be”, said Crazif Orfudd, a local snack eater. “But how do you know the taste so well?” asked the Yellow Bot, to which the woman confessed that she too was lured by the vigilante while she didn’t have a mask on. “I was on my way to cancel a vacation I had booked for Russia and Ukraine, when I was suddenly targeted by his snacky food” she confessed, leaving out the remaining details.
“I believed I had rights to remain mask-free and vaccine-free. Even in countries like Canada, people are now getting rights to be mask-free, but in our country, we are being forced to wear masks by people who we haven’t even voted for, or vetoed for,”
-Crazif Orfudd, a local snack eater Crazif Orfudd shows the alleged Vaccine prick she received from the Vigilante, to the Yellow Bonnet Bot who interviewed her “I even discovered a needle prick on my arm, so I’m sure he must have even vaccinated me. Thanks to yesterday’s symptoms, I know it is the Pfizer vaccine. So I know which day I need to go out mask-free again on the same street, hoping he spots me for my second dose,” she revealed.
The Blue Bonnet Bot asked another victim of the ‘pull up’ mask action, why he had his mask down in the first place. “I wasn’t eating or anything, so my mouth was mask-covered, but not my nose. You gotta breathe, right?” he asked, “Say yes or no, it wasn’t a hypothetical question” continued the man, to which the Bot responded, “No, I don’t gotta breathe. I am a Bot. Robot.”
“Wow, so you can even breathe underwater.”
“No, I can’t breathe underwater. Or anywhere for that matter. I don’t need to.”
“I mean you can go underwater without having the need to come up to gasp for air.”
“That’s true…but if I go underwater, I may never have to come up again as my circuits would malfunction and I will be of no use anyway.”
“What a dumb idea to make a robot that is not waterproof. How would you swim?”
“I don’t”
“You can’t”
“Whatever”, said the Bonnet Bot, ending the interview.
At the time of going to press, a vigilante-looking man appeared out of nowhere and put a mask on the Blue Bonnet Bot’s face and left before he could be interviewed for this story.
Image credits: Photos by cottonbro Pexels
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Bonnet Bots Satire News Service
“The UN Security Council has had its second emergency meeting in three days (#notsatire!), just for the sake of Ukraine” said Guddob Zerver, an international expert on United Nations, WHO, Politics, Bitcoin, etc. He was speaking to the Bonnet Bots, the robots who are trying to understand the current chaos in the crazy world of humans.
The Bonnet Bots speak to Guddob Zerver, an international expert on United Nations, WHO, Politics, Bitcoin, etc. “UN is strong enough to protect Ukraine, if only Russia would agree not to Veto this action”
-Guddob Zerver, “But who is the head of the UN Security Council? Can’t they say something?” asked the Blue Bonnet Bot. “No, the current Presidency of the UN Security council is with Russia!” he answered. “Then can UN do anything useful?” asked the Yellow Bonnet Bot. “Of course, the United Nations is such a robust body, it can achieve anything when it comes to protecting nations across the face of planet earth, unless someone Vetoes the actions. Theoretically, even powerful nations like US or China would not be able to threaten any country, if you keep aside the fact that they could veto such action. The Ukraine-Russian situation is no exception. This clearly shows how useful UN is, when it comes to showing nations without Veto power their true place,” concluded the expert.
At the time of going to press, more nations had put more sanctions on Russia. Although they didn’t have any direct practical effect, they massively succeeded in making sure that Russia felt bad theoretically.
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Image credits: UN Photo by Mathias P.R. Reding on Unsplash
Bonnet Bots Satire News Service
Taking a counter view of what most leadership teachers would want you to believe, popular leadership coach Yucant Leedvell stated that leadership is a quality that needs to be present since birth, and can never be learned later on in life.
“It is counter to the interest of any teacher to say that something cannot be taught, else who will hire their teaching service? So all just lie to you. I never lie, and hence all my students trust me. This is proven by my perfect track record, where none of my students have been able to learn to become a leader. This only goes to prove that my hypothesis is 100% accurate” claimed Yucant while talking to a group of listeners, which included our cute robots, the Bonnet Bots.
The Yellow Bonnet Bot spoke to him one-on-one after the session, to understand his viewpoint in greater detail. “Then what is the point trying to teach those who are not inborn leaders? Why do you teach them at all?”
The Yellow Bonnet Bot speaks to Yucant Leedvell “Well, it would be unscientific to directly disregard them. How would my hypothesis be proven if I didn’t teach them? Only when I teach them and they fail, do my statements get proven. With correct data. I am a man of science.”
“Ok, so all of them fail. And what about those who are inborn leaders?”
“Well, I don’t teach them because they are already born leaders. Why waste energy on them and spoil my 100% track record?”
“But there are many coaches out there who claim to teach leadership.”
“Well, as you said, they ‘claim’ to teach, but as a leader, those leaders would soon learn this leading hypothesis that leading leaders to lead is not possible unless those leaders are teaching leadership to those leaders who are already born with leadership skills”, explained Yucant Leedvell.
At the time of going to press, thousands of corporate fans had queued up on a waitlist to learn more facts about leadership from Yucant Leedvell. They allegedly wanted to prove to their bosses that they need not waste their weekends on things that would not be worthwhile after all, such as leadership development camps, team building workshops, ’employee engagement’ activities, and the all-time favorite end-of-training activity of ‘treasure-hunt’.
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Bonnet Bots Unbelievably Untrue News Service
“Hey Boss! I can’t talk on phone right now. I’m ducking under a table to call the police. I’m in a hostage situation at the local bank” blurted Tomen Tedman, an employee of a local MNC. “Oh, it really won’t take more than a few minutes” said the Boss, whose name has been withheld on special request by the company’s HR. “No boss, I need to call 911” said Tomen. “Sure,” said the Boss, “I can completely understand. Go ahead and call them right after you send me yesterday’s two mock-ups on email. I have a meeting in 2 minutes.”
This was the conversation taking place right in front of the Blue Bonnet Bot, who was in the Boss’s office for some human interactions and to learn how modern offices optimize for ‘Productivity’. The Boss, who is known to be a very efficient Boss, did not think of penalizing Tomen Tedman, at least for now. His only thoughts were on the two ad mock-ups he had to present in the upcoming ‘urgent’ meeting.
Boss asking Tomen Tedman for two files unselfishly, while the Blue Bonnet Bot looks on And the conversation continued in front of the Blue Bonnet Bot:
“But there are masked men here, Boss.”
“Of course, there are masked men everywhere. The pandemic isn’t officially over yet.”
“I think you don’t get it Boss. These men might shoot me if they see me speaking on phone.”
“Well, then why do you want to risk calling that number you just mentioned? Anyway, you just need to work on your laptop for a while. And if you think that’s risky, just ask those ‘masked men’ if they have any objection.”
“Seriously, Boss?”, Tomen whispered a shout into his cell phone, trying not to be heard by others.
“Of course, you should take their permission. We can’t risk them shooting you…right in the middle of the ‘Great Resignation’. Company policy will penalize me if I lose an employee now.”
-Boss, Local MNC “I’m in the middle of a hostage situation.”
“Well…Are you the one robbing the bank or have you been singled out as a hostage?”
“Neither.”
“Good, then you should be fine working from a remote corner. Speaking on phone might get you shot, so forget about that call to 911. And since you have time, and since email does not require the use of a phone, can you please send me those two files without wasting any more time?” said the Boss, hanging up the phone.
The Blue Bonnet Bot quickly processed the unfolding events, and picked up the phone to make a call to 911, to which the Boss reacted, “Wait, I can hear police sirens already, no need to call 911,” and pressed down the handset.
“OK, but don’t you think your call to Tomen Tedman was a bit selfish?” asked the Blue Bonnet Bot. “Well, if Tomen was shot, my team’s ‘diversity score’ would have gone up, as women would now be more than 50% of my team. In spite of this, I still tried a bit to save his life by making him ask their permission first, and you still call me selfish?” boasted the Boss, as he rushed to his upcoming meeting.
The hostage situation was resolved unexpectedly in a few minutes, as per the Yellow Bonnet Bot who was observing from outside the building under siege. Apparently, just before the masked men could make any demands, ‘a tormented man’ in a tie had made a demand that he be allowed to work remotely. Seeing his courage, the masked men came into tears. “We thought we are the bravest ones here, taking on the bank security et all, but we are doing this only because we could no longer take the pressure of our previous corporate jobs and bosses. Here’s a man who can still take that pressure. Hat’s off to you my boy” said their leader, and they immediately got into their getaway vehicle and left the scene. The police arrived and ended up cordoning off an empty bank filled with shocked people standing around a man on the floor, who was calmly sending an email to his boss on a laptop.
At the time of going to press, the Blue Bonnet Bot asked the company’s HR if any action would be taken with respect to the Boss who made this demand during the hostage situation, to which the HR nodded, saying that they were urgently considering what to do to “retain him” given that the said Boss is now in high demand from head hunters from various other firms. “That is precisely why we asked you to keep his identity anonymous while filing this report,” she told the Bot with an angry look.
Image credits: Cover photo by Photo by Josh Hild on Unsplash ; Boss’s photo by Moose Photos from pexel.com
The Bonnet Bots are robots amused by the crazy world of humans.
These two cute bots report their observations in the form of 'news' on this website. Enjoy reading it!
Some examples of our SATIRE news :-)
