- Cogzemini Consultancy Services (CCS) says it will be the ‘Amazon of Software’ by building on existing industry strengths
Bonnet Bots Untrue News Service
The Blue Bonnet Bot (BB) interviewed the Human & Office Resources Strategy Enforcer (i.e. HORSE) at IT firm CCS (The Cogzemini Consultancy Services).
BB: Hi Sir, as mentioned earlier, I wanted to interview you about your company’s unique strategies to become a unicorn in an already mature field.
CCS HORSE: Well, we have a unique strategy that will make our employees more productive than Amazon warehouse workers, as they aren’t walking around all day! We make them work continuously for only 9 hours a day, provide free food & drinks at the cubicle. They don’t need to leave their desk at all for useless things like water cooler talk! What’s more, mobile toilets roam the cubicles, and they can be summoned on-demand, from the internal WoD app i.e. Washroom on Demand!
BB: Wow…that’s building on existing industry strengths! Anyway, some software firms had claimed that your firm was not only copying other IT firms’ branding, but was in fact trying to copy their business model itself, and had sued you. How did you get out of it?
CCS: Yes, they sued. However, they quickly withdrew as they didn’t want to be caught as a company that CCS was copying, given that CCS had officially declared its business model: “Maximizing profits in software by monetizing professional and private lives of software ‘resources’, ensuring that we use their lives dedicatedly for the organization, so that they have no private life to worry about”. All suers withdrew after realizing that.
BB: Wow, how efficient! Do you actually manage to achieve that?
CCS: Of course! We make it work. For example, when they work overtime, which they generally do, they get a ‘comp off’ the very next Saturday or Sunday itself.
BB: Compensatory off on the weekend?
CCS: Yes, on the very next weekend itself. Of course, it needs to be approved by their reporting manager, but we have never rejected a weekend leave request. Also, over and above the 9 hours of regular work per day, an overtime of a maximum of 15 hours is allowed. Not even a single minute more is allowed by the system, no matter what the emergency may be, as we have the employees’ best interests in mind. Once the overtime limit expires, employee can log work only on the next day’s timesheet, where again the same limits will apply. Other perks include ‘promotion’ vs ‘pay hike’ choices and promises of on-site assignments in foreign countries.
BB: They get onsite assignments?
CCS: I said promises of onsite assignments. Also, they get late-night conference calls which ‘can be taken from the convenience of your home’, and other benefits such as an annual ‘bring your child to work’ day (on a Saturday) and family day (again on a Saturday). In addition to unlimited tea and coffee, our pantry machine also offers drinking chocolate and powdered soup.
BB: But aren’t such business models already popular in the IT industry?
CCS: Yes, they are, but we are one step ahead. Other companies are lesser efficient because they allow their employees to easily exploit office resources, such as for surfing the internet, using office electricity, printers, and air conditioning even after they have finished work. We ensure that they have so much work that they cannot ever think of web surfing or reading sites like site1.bonnetbots.com. They don’t even have time to use Surf on their clothes!
BB: Oh! But one of your employees was found to have taken a vacation and was seen surfing on a nearby beach, courtesy of FACEBOOK.
CCS: Oh, Thanks for pointing out. We will hold an inquiry to look into this serious matter, and soon enlist social media tracking tools to avoid further slippages in our strategy. I need to go now. It seems some employees are demanding a non-working lunch hour.
BB: If only they could charge while working, like us Robots…some limitations you humans have!
CCS: Haha! But we already charge for them to our clients, even when they aren’t working! Anyway, gotta go…bye! One question for you—our strategy is already put up on our website. Why did you come here physically?
BB: Well, I wanted to hear from the horse’s mouth 🙂
*Disclaimer: The above article is NOT real news. site1.bonnetbots.com is a satire and entertainment website. The news is untrue, and may seem real only because of the strange fact that fact is stranger than fiction.
Photo credit: You X Ventures, Toronto, Canada; from unsplash.com