Bonnet Bots Satire News Service, 8th March 2022
Today, more bad news came in for the sanction-ridden population of Russia. Or at least about half of them, who are female. “Why should we allow women from that country to celebrate a festival when they deserve sanctions everywhere else including sports?” questioned Sev D’maine, a leading Masculinist*, and current Chief of the World Body for Atrocities Against Men (Prevention) i.e. W-BAAM (P), an esteemed organization which falls just outside the ambit of the prestigious United Nations Group of Organisations. The Bonnet Bots decided to speak to him about his statement regarding one more of the sanctions against Putin’s ‘Military Operation’ in Ukraine.
“Wouldn’t it be irrelevant to ban the ordinary Russian female population from something as universal as the Women’s Day?” asked the Blue Bonnet Bot during the interview. “First of all, there is no ‘ordinary’ female population. We should insist that all women are ‘extraordinary’. At least on Women’s day,” Sev D’maine stated angrily and righteously. He continued, “But if the Russian Paralympic team can be banned from Winter Olympics, what right do you have to question me about banning ordinary, I mean from banning Russian women who are fully healthy? They should not be allowed to play the victim card. Even Paralympic athletes have proved they can climb Mount Everest, so ordinary women have no excuse against being banned by our organization” he stated.
“But surely there are better ways to show your protests, than targeting someone just because of their gender and political leaders” argued the Blue Bonnet Bot. “Zelensky is asking for more sanctions though we have already banned everything other than Russian oil and gas. So we have to do at least something else to show solidarity,” he stated out of concern. “But if energy accounts for a large part of Russia’s exports, why can’t the west sanction oil and gas, if they can ban everything from Apple products, Visa, and Mastercard?” asked the Bot.
“Well, we are sanctioning them from a position of strength, so it is important to show that we are independent and don’t need them. So we can only sanction stuff where we REALLY don’t need them, else the Russian state media will get one more chance to show us in a bad light,” said Sev.
“But Russian state media has already been banned everywhere, so what’s the point of thinking about them?” questioned the bot. “That’s not true, I have very credible information stating that the Russian state media continues to operate unabatedly in entire Russia,” he stated, sighting highly reliable sources.
“Anyway, what do you think of Russian assets being frozen by the western world?” asked the Yellow Bonnet Bot. “I don’t understand economic terms very well, but Freezing of Russian assets seems harmful to almost every business in Russia I guess, except maybe the Frozen Foods business…won’t they be actually benefitted if someone freezes their assets for free?” asked a concerned Sev. He continued, “We have credible intelligence that in spite of their airspace issues, Russian billionaires could surreptitiously access their luxury yachts parked all over Europe and North America. It is refreshing to know that most of these Russians (at least those who identify as ‘Oligarchs’) now cannot just come and ride these yachts, even if they somehow overcame their visa bans. This is testimony to our powerful sanctions”, he concluded.
The Bonnet Bots decided to check these claims by speaking to some politicians who had called for these sanctions. “Do you think the Russian oligarchs have been taught a lesson?” asked the Yellow Bonnet Bot during one such meeting. “Absolutely. Russian oligarchs and their families’ visas have been canceled, so they can’t vacation any longer in Western Europe and the US. Not as if they would want to do it RIGHT now, but when the press asks questions about whether we have acted, we have got some solid answers,” claimed a local politician. “Do you think this would help Ukraine’s fight?” questioned the Blue Bonnet Bot. “Yes, they can definitely fight better knowing that entire Europe and North America are standing right behind them for moral support, instead of meddling in their country’s war and escalating it,” he stated.
The Bonnet Bots returned to discuss the issue with the World Body on Atrocities Against Men (Prevention), to get remaining answers.
“Why did the World Body for Atrocities Against Men recently add the word ‘Prevention’ written in brackets at the end of its name?” asked the Yellow Bonnet Bot. “We had to add that because, without it, we were fed up of confused women requesting help in teaching a lesson to their husbands” Sev D’maine revealed.
“Anyway, given that common citizens may not support the war, aren’t you taking the anti-Russian sentiment to the extreme, by discriminating against its women?” asked the Yellow Bot.
“Many have called us ‘partial’ because they think that we discriminate against women of color. The only way to prove them wrong is by equally discriminating against women with blonde hair and blue eyes”–Sev D’Men, Masculinist &
Chief of World Body on Atrocities Against Men (Prevention)
At the time of going to press, the boycott on Russian Women for the International Womens’ Day celebrations had been widely propagated on Facebook and Twitter. However, due to these two networks being banned in Russia, this important news failed to reach the Russians. Putin’s administration allegedly skipped this information from the State controlled Russian Television on purpose, due to which, the uninformed Russians mistakenly ended up including Russian women in the Womens’ Day celebrations in spite of the ban sanctioned against them.
Image Credits: Cover Photo by Elevate on Unsplash; Photo for ‘Russian woman’ by Ivan Samkov from Pexels